The Real Deal

I read blogs every once in a while and the ones I just appreciate so much are those written by women who are so honest and real with all of us.  I find it difficult to be super honest and open on my blog because I don't want people to know my shortcomings.  I was just reading a blog about a mom who said one of her biggest struggles is spending too much time worrying about the bazillion things that need to get done (i.e. cleaning, her part time job from home, running errands, church responsibilities, etc.).  She felt like those things were becoming more important then spending time with her kids.  This is something that is showing itself in my life so intensely right now.  I am finding myself telling Carter to hold on a minute so that I can check facebook.  Tonight Carter called me from his bed and said he wanted to show me something.  I told him no basically because I just wanted him to go to sleep and I wanted my alone time.  I find myself cleaning my house for two hours (not that it looks like it) and not spending even one of those minutes playing with my kids.  I hate this about me.  Why do I make other things more important then my kids when my kids truly are the most important part of my life?  I rush Carter through washing his hands and beg him not to play or mess around because I just want to get back to what I was doing.  I hurry him along constantly so that I am not late to something when I was already running late and it was completely my own fault.  I look at Madelynn and wonder what happened to my baby.  I honestly can't even remember all that many details of her as an infant.  It amazes me how quickly those memories start to fade away.  I do not want to miss out on my kids' lives.  It breaks my heart to think that someday they will not need me anymore.  Someday they will move out of my house, find a spouse to spend their lives with, and their childhood will forever be a distant memory in my mind.  Why am I not living in the moment, every moment, with them right now?  And how do I fix this flaw in myself?

As I wrote the top portion of this blog, I was sitting on the couch in a quiet house.  As I finished that last sentence, "And how do I fix this flaw in myself?" I heard Carter scream "mama."  This was the kind of scream that can only mean one thing.  He is puking. I through the laptop off my lap and rushed to his bedroom to find him throwing up all over himself and his bed.  It was awful.  That was Thursday night and now it is Sunday and I am finally finishing this blog post.  Thankfully that was the only time Carter threw up and he has been healthy and acting normal since.  I was quite worried that we were going into another bad bout of sickness.  When Carter had it in December it lasted eight days and when Madelynn had it last month it lasted six days.  I am so thankful we didn't have to deal with that this time.  And so far no one else in our family has caught it!

I'm not really sure where this blog post is going but I know that I have had a lot of things on my mind lately.  Sometimes life feels a little overwhelming, and today at church proved that yet again for me.  I am so blessed in so many different areas of my life so I do not want to come across as complaining.  Sometimes things just start to pile up and it feels like I can't break free from them.  I love my church and feel very blessed to be a part of a great church family.  Sometimes church is hard though because I am involved in children's ministries and I do the wedding coordinating.  Today was one of those days where church was all about those two things and not about worship, fellowship, spiritual growth, or support.  Those Sunday's can be hard.  Then to top it off, Carter had to go to the bathroom and I let him use the little one in the nursery (which is notorious for overflowing) and it overflowed...everywhere!  Literally the bathroom was a lake and it was seeping into the nursery carpet.  Awesome.  And that leads me to one of the hardest parts about church.  My sweet, hard working husband has to work every Sunday which leaves me to doing church alone.  I go weeks without it bothering me too much (I still don't like it but I have learned to deal with it most weeks) and then I have a week like this and I just wish I had help at church.  It sucks being a single mom on Sundays.  There it is...the brutal honest truth. 

I have been going to a women's Sunday school class every once in a while at church led by a sweet and wonderful woman, Ellen.  Ellen is one of the two ladies who came to the hospital with me in the middle of the night at the coast while we were at ladies retreat when Madelynn had the bulging soft spot.  She was my rock that night and I am forever grateful for her.  We have been watching a wonderful DVD series led by a an amazing lady who I could listen to for hours at a time.  I love the way she speaks and how she brilliantly combines humor, emotion, and real life.  She is a mom of three and just has a way of speaking straight to my heart.  Last week she was talking about the trials or battles that we face and have to fight.  She said that before any battle is fought we must start by falling to our knees.  We should be praying about everything we go through in our lives.  This is sometimes the last thing I think about doing when I have something going on in my life that is hard.  I have many mini "battles" going on right now as I'm sure most young moms do and I must start coming to the Lord, on my knees, praying before I do anything.  I have control freak tendencies and it is easy for me to try to control every situation.  Trust me, from experience it doesn't work very well.  I know these are things I have heard since I was a kid but it is just something that stood out to me last week and I need to work on that more than anything. 

The kids were gone all day on Friday, Carter with Jay's mom to Enchanted Forest and Madelynn with my mom at her house, and I was able to clean most of my house.  This is the cleanest my house has ever been besides when we are about to have a bunch of people over for a party.  I had nothing to get ready for that I wanted a clean house.  I was just tired in living in a mess.  We are working really hard to keep it clean and get Carter more involved in helping pick up his toys.  I do not expect a perfect house ever but I do know a clean house helps my mood drastically! 

Jay and I got to go to the American Idol concert last weekend.  It was so much fun!  We love American Idol and it is so fun being able to see all of those contestants in real life.  We had really good seats and got to go out to dinner in Portland before hand.  It was a great evening with my husband and I am very thankful we took some of our tax money and splurged a bit. 

Well, I suppose this is enough for today.  Sometimes it is just nice to pour my heart out.  And I don't think too many people read my blog so at least I'm not telling tons of people all the things going on in my life :)  Now for some cute pictures of three of my biggest blessings. 

 

Many more blog posts to come!  Swim lessons, first dentist appointment, 4th of July, the big carseat switcheroo, and Madelynn's 16 month blog.