In my last post I briefly mentioned a post coming soon about fear and how fear has been a deep part of my life in the last year. Fear is tricky. Fear is annoying. Fear is yucky. And most importantly, fear is NOT from the Lord. I have had two sweet friends tell me so profoundly recently that God does NOT give us the spirit of fear. I needed to hear those words more than I realized and it has made a profound difference in my life in the last few weeks. Even writing about this topic almost gives me a feeling of fear because it is so deeply personal and even somewhat irrational. But I feel like it is probably something many people go through but often do not talk about. I know this blog is mostly only read by my mom (and maybe a couple other family members) but I feel the urge to put in writing the feelings I have had recently. I am absolutely believing without a shadow of a doubt that God will get me through this time in my life where fear is closely felt and show me through to the other side of it. And to have my thoughts in writing would make it all the more amazing to see what God did in my life. And maybe it could help just one person who struggles with feelings of fear as well.
I have never been a person who lives in fear. I think I am a fairly rational and logical thinker and have always felt pretty calm about things in life. That is until I became a parent. Ha! Being a mom sure can bring up fears in a person that they didn't know existed. However, 2014 was a year of loss for us and I wonder if some of that has a little to do with the fear I have experienced recently. Losing a baby sure can bring up irrational fears! It started a couple of months ago when Jay and I decided to book tickets to fly to Iowa without our kids. They were planning on having an auction to sell his Dad's farm equipment and tools and we liked the idea of being there to be a part of it and support the family anyway we could. As soon as we purchased those tickets however, I felt this overwhelming feeling of fear...okay, folks, are you ready for the irrational part of my fear to be admitted to right now? I felt this overwhelming feeling of fear that our plane was going to crash and our kids would no longer have their parents. The night we bought the tickets I laid awake in bed for hours thinking about this. I figured these feelings would go away by morning and wasn't extremely concerned about them. However, they did not go away. For a few days I felt an anxiousness that I have never felt before and felt like I was constantly thinking about this event taking place and our kids' lives changing forever. I kept envisioning someone telling our kids that their mama and daddy had died and trying to feel what they might be feeling. It literally made me want to vomit and I cried over it numerous times. I don't even like writing these words because the thought of it happening still makes me sick to my stomach. I was starting to wonder if God was speaking to me in this way and telling me to stay home. That maybe something really was going to happen and this was His way of telling me not to get on that plane. Can anyone say ridiculous? I finally decided to talk to Jay about it. It was a little hard for him to understand these feelings but he tried to be sympathetic. This fear and anxiety continued for a while and then I began talking to people about it. I realized that I could not live in this fear alone and needed wisdom in this area. I was beginning to make plans that I wasn't going to go and that we were just out that $350. But then God brought beautiful people into this with me who gave me so much wisdom and insight into who God is. And I began to feel a super, teeny, tiny glimmer of peace.
I AM going to Iowa with Jay in just four days. I am leaving our kids here at home with wonderful grandparents who will take tremendous care of them while we are gone. I have been reading my Bible most days (which is a bit new for me in the last few years), I have been reading a wonderful little book called Jesus Calling, with short daily devotionals and have been very encouraged by that, and I have prayed a lot. After being reminded that God does not give us the spirit of fear, another friend who told me the same thing also reminded me that these feelings of fear are from Satan! I let Satan take a hold of my heart for a few weeks and he was winning. And he loved it. He knew that all he had to do was remind me of airplanes and I turned into an untrusting, anxiety ridden, emotional mess who was one step further away from my heavenly Father. I wonder today, right now in this moment, if this trip to Iowa has such a bigger and more profound purpose in my life. This trip to Iowa holds its own amount of fear for me in that we are going there to deal with some sad and hurtful things going on with family that we love dearly and yet I was also dealing with fear of just getting there. I think God is using this trip to bring me back to Him to the point of needing to cling to Him in order to survive and function each day. That is why I want this in writing. Because one day (after I have made it home safely from Iowa) I want to look back at this and praise God for his unfailing love and his mercy on me, a selfish, stubborn, and untrusting sinner.
I do not want to live in fear. I only want to fear my Heavenly Father, I want to be in AWE of his goodness and his holiness. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God loves me and God loves my sweet Carter and Madelynn. He is good. He wants what is best for me. Even when I completely forget to trust Him, He still wants me to be happy and blessed. He wants to bless me. He is leading me down a beautiful path, with bumps along the way, but a path that will only draw me closer to Him.
I still let fear get to me from time to time. I have felt it a little today. However, that fear is from the devil. And I refuse to give into it. Every time I have these feelings I need to open up God's word and draw closer to Him. I am getting on that airplane in a week trusting that I will land back in Oregon five days later to come home to my beautiful little blessings and be closer to my God than I ever have been before.
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