I feel like it is finally time to write this post. As hard as the last few weeks have been for us I want to write this story and share my feelings on what we have been through. I won't have the most eloquent words or perfect way of expressing my thoughts but I want it in writing for our family to be able to read for years to come. We went through something traumatic and life changing. It has definitely changed me. I learned some things and I have allowed myself to grieve while trusting the Lord and His perfect plan for our family. It is easy to be angry. It is easy to blame myself. It is easy to ask God why. I have done and felt all three of those but I also feel a sense of peace. I do trust God. I trust He will heal all of us which I am already seeing in us now and I trust that He will complete our family in the perfect way. I also hope that this post could be encouragement to someone who has gone through something similar.
At 12 weeks pregnant we lost our baby. This precious baby, who we will never meet this side of Heaven, was already loved by so many. We were anticipating what our family would be like as a family of five and planning all that comes along with adding another member to our family. We had names floating around in our heads and we had two sweet little kids anxiously awaiting mommy's belly to grow and to eventually meet their new sibling. I was dreaming of bedroom arrangements and seeing both of my kids meet this little one. We were so excited that God was blessing us with another one to call our own.
We found out right away that we were pregnant on March 27th. I had envisioned us waiting to tell our kids for a few weeks to make sure I got through the early miscarriage stage. I had miscarried once before at five weeks and wanted to avoid our kids going through that with us if it happened again. However, we were so excited we just couldn't wait. We told them right away and made all the phone calls to the parents. Everyone knew this news was coming. We were ready to have another baby. Our kids seemed excited but of course it is a hard concept to fully grasp at such a young age.
A few days after we took the test, I started bleeding. Of course I assumed right away we were miscarrying. I won't go into too many details because I shared this part of the story in an earlier post. Over the next three weeks we did everything we could to find out what was going on. The initial doctors appointment to confirm miscarriage actually gave us some hope because my blood levels were rising like they would with a healthy pregnancy. We were so excited and hopeful for a healthy pregnancy. Of course, a few days later I started bleeding again and went back in for more lab work. This time we added an ultrasound as well that was very inconclusive and only made everyone, including the doctor more confused. We continued with more lab work and a second ultrasound a week later which showed a wonderful little heartbeat and a baby growing in exactly the right place. We were ecstatic. We spent that afternoon calling and texting everyone who knew and sharing our great news. After three weeks of uncertainty we knew we had a lot of people praying for us and praying for our baby. At seven weeks it looked as if everything was going great and I had real peace that everything was going to be okay. My OBGYN felt comfortable waiting until my 12 week appointment to see me and we continued on with our daily lives. I had the normal morning sickness although I will admit it was the easiest first trimester I had ever had so far. Still not fun, but easier than the first two pregnancies. I was still quite nauseous most of the day but it was manageable. I was thankful for that.
At 12 weeks, one day pregnant we were finally going to go to the doctor and hear our baby's heart beat. This is one of my favorite appointments during pregnancy, the first time I can hear that beating heart confirming that I have a life growing inside of me. My previous OB retired so I was seeing a new one for this baby. We went in for our appointment the afternoon before we were supposed to be flying to Iowa for two weeks. I did all of the paperwork and then went back and met the doctor. I liked her a lot and will continue to see her for the next pregnancy. She explained all that we would do and than had me lay back to listen to the heartbeat. She tried for quite a while and couldn't find it so she suggested we do the rest of the exam and then try again when she was done. I had a little bit of a sinking feeling but she was telling us that it happens and not to be concerned yet. As soon as she was done with everything else she calmly just said she wanted to send us in for an ultrasound at Salem Radiology, just down the street. This had me extremely concerned while Jay was a bit aggravated that she wasn't trying again. Of course, after all of the medical bills we had acquired in the first three weeks of pregnancy we weren't exactly wanting to add more. However, I was already convinced something was wrong and we were going in for that ultrasound no matter what. I had to know. She never once said that she was concerned but that she just wanted to have it done to be sure. I knew that at 12 weeks pregnant she should have easily found a heartbeat. We were able to hear our other babies heartbeats quickly and easily at eight weeks. I knew something was wrong. Thankfully we only had to drive a couple blocks to Salem Radiology and were called back for our ultrasound fairly quickly. They were squeezing us in at the last minute because we were supposed to be flying to Iowa the next morning.
I laid down on the table as the ultrasound tech put the wand on my belly. Within probably 30 seconds she said "unfortunately I am not finding a heartbeat." She spent the next few minutes continuing to search and trying to measure things. My arm was over my eyes most of the time so I saw nothing. Of course I was crying and trying to process what this meant. I kept thinking that I wanted to walk out of that room, come back in and start over. This just wasn't happening and maybe if we started over things would be different. I would lay back down and she would hear a beautiful heartbeat and tell us that we had a perfect baby growing inside of me. Of course I am a realist and knew that none of that was going to happen and that even if we started over nothing would change. Jay and I spent probably 20 more minutes or so in that little dark room and just cried together. Eventually our tech came in and said she had to clean the room for the end of the night and we had to go out to the waiting room to wait for my doctor to call me to discuss our options.
Well, I wrote the first part of the story above a couple months ago, was going to continue writing later, and just never did. So I am back to finish the story two months later. I want this story documented for myself and my family but it feels odd to be finishing the story four months after if happened. But it is important to finish it.
We left our ultrasound room and had to wait in the waiting room until my doctor called me to talk about our plan. Thankfully she called pretty quick because the last thing I wanted was to sit out in the waiting room crying. I immediately asked her if I had to have a D&C and she responded with a yes, absolutely. I was too far along for our baby to pass on its own. She would have to remove our baby. I had a friend that had been through a D&C procedure a few years back and I just remember how horrible it was for her. I was devastated and so scared. And we were supposed to be flying to Iowa in the morning and we had no idea what to do at that point. I asked her what could happen if we just flew to Iowa as planned and when my body showed signs of ending the pregnancy we could go into the ER and have it taken care of there. She said I could but that she absolutely could not recommend that and that my risk of bleeding too much and things getting very bad were quite high. She highly recommended we postpone our trip and have the procedure done in the next day or too. So we went home, told my mom the news, and then Jay got on the phone immediately with the airline to see what we could do. He was on hold forever but after about two hours finally talked to someone. They were amazing and gave us whatever we needed at no additional cost. We were so thankful to hear that. After that was taken care of we called my doctor and told her to go ahead and schedule the procedure. She was able to schedule it for two days later. We found out on a Wednesday, scheduled the D&C for Friday and our flight for Saturday morning.
The rest of that evening was a bit of a blur. Our kids were acting out and fighting a lot and I was taking care of it by myself because Jay was on hold with the airline. I realized I needed to feed them dinner so I ran down the street to Jimmy Johns and we ate out in the front yard. It was while we were eating that we told our kids that our baby went to be with Jesus in Heaven. Carter kept asking why our baby died. It is so difficult trying to answer a question when I don't have an answer. We made many phone calls that night and sent out a lot of texts telling people our news. Friends were offering help and prayer like crazy. We were well taken care of! We had lunches and dinners for the next two days that we were in town. We were so blessed by our friends during those couple of days. The next morning we let Carter go to his last day of preschool. He was going to miss it because of Iowa but since we were still in town we let him go. He needed something fun and to get away from his mommy who couldn't stop crying. We also had to finish packing and getting ready for Iowa because I didn't know what the procedure and recovery would be like on Friday. It was a hard day but we felt loved and were well taken care of.
Friday morning my mom stayed with our kids and we headed in for our procedure. She took them to our friends house later in the morning so that she could come down to the hospital. We waited out in the waiting room for quite a while which was very frustrating since I was just waiting for something terrible to happen. Finally went back and did all the routine prep stuff before going into surgery. I was put under which I was extremely thankful for. I didn't want to know anything that was happening. Eventually they wheeled me back and then next thing I knew, I was being woke up in a completely different room. I was then wheeled into the recovery room where they tried to get me to stand up. They walked me into the bathroom where I immediately felt terrible and thought I was going to pass out. I will not go into any details about the next couple hours because it was pretty awful. It comes down to that I lost way too much blood and my blood pressure kept dropping every time I sat up. What should have been a two hour recovery ended up taking more than six hours. I was there way longer than expected. I was finally able to get up and walk and we were home about 4pm. Worst day of my life. Literally. It doesn't seem right to go into a hospital and have your baby taken out of you and leaving with no baby. I told Jay that there was no sadder feeling in that moment thinking about them taking our baby out of me and throwing him or her in the garbage. I am sorry for saying that but it is what I was feeling and thinking so much that day. By the time we got home I was feeling fairly good physically, just a little weak and tired. We finished packing, sent our kids to my dad's so we could have a quiet evening to recover, and even spent the night at my mom's. We had friends staying at our house starting the night and we didn't want to back out on them so we just went to my mom's. I had offered our house to them back when we thought we were going to be in Iowa while they were here visiting. I am so thankful they were still able to stay at our house and not have to pay for a hotel. It all worked out.
We got up at 3am the next morning, drove to the airport and flew to Iowa. Crazy. I am so glad I had those ten days in Iowa to grieve while being busy and distracted with our family. I was sad but was also able to enjoy our trip. My body went back to normal fairly quickly and eventually the pain from our tragedy grew less and less intense. I still think about our baby often, even now four months later but I feel like I have healed and have peace about God's perfect plan for our family. I know there was a reason, one I won't understand this side of Heaven, but I am okay with that. We loved that baby so much and I have hope that one day I will see that baby in Heaven.
